Scared on Eid

Today is the second day of Eid, and I could not feel it less. the first thing that crossed my mind yesterday the first day was the time when I was still a kid. Eid for me was the happiest day of my life, I used to countdown days to it. My dad would get me presents, my mom would make breakfast at 8:00 AM; and trust me after 30 days of fasting as a 10-year old, morning breakfast couldn’t make me happier. My brothers and sisters all get themselves ready with new apparel that we spent a week before preparing. We’d go out, salute my uncles and extended family, get some candy, see our neighbors, their kids setting around the street, used to have a community that made life beautiful. Yes some occasions Eid wasn’t as happy, specially when we know there will be/ was a war against my hometown. But, we’d still use the occasion to cheer up.

You might wonder now, why am I talking about how Eid is different, and how that is not a scary occasion! and you’re right, these are just beautiful memories and sometimes we got to hang onto their leftovers from the past if we can’t recreate or live them again. Why am I scared though! It would have been really nice if I could spend Eid with my family! Just saying, there is nothing wrong with that. Scares me is the fear of saying goodbye that took over me since I left my parents and family. It’s not that I feel uprooted, it is the fear that one day I won’t find someone to feel uprooted from.

See, after living 4 wars I developed this weird instinct that sniffs fear. Something tells me there is something on the verge of happening in Palestine, I hope I was wrong, but I am really tired, I don’t know if I can take it anymore. I am terrified of the idea that I chose to leave Palestine for the sake of my education, my profession, my life…. it is all my my my… selfish son allowed life to drift him away from his family in despair. Selfish son who chose to be a refugee for the second and third time… and while many call it a world-traveler, I say that’s the bright side that keeps me going! but sometimes it strikes me that I am not just an ordinary world traveler, I am a forced individual in the diaspora who couldn’t say Eid Mubarak to his own mom face to face for 5 years in a row. Happy Eid Mom, I wish you were in front of me right now, and I wish I can be next to you if anything happens.

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